People must know....

I meant for this blog to be private, but I think it is important that people are aware of the suffering of those with pulmonary fibrosis.

My mom, Jo, passed away with this HORRIBLE disease Feb. 17, 2009, at 3:42 p.m., after hours and hours and hours and hours of suffocating.

She was claustrophobic- and not being able to breathe was her worst fear. This fear took her before she was ready to die. Her fear overtook her physical strength to survive. She literally suffocated to death- and I could only comfort her by telling to try to relax. "Breathe through your nose momma. I know it's hard... but you have to breathe. Try to calm down." But she couldn't. She couldn't take it anymore. I must talk about this. People need to know. They need to know that they claimed there was nothing that could be done. They just let her suffocate. She begged for something to take her anxiety. She begged. But they didn't want to give her anything b/c it would slow her breathing. She made me promise her that they would give her something to calm down. It didn't happen soon enough. There is so much wrapped up in this, that I must tell. And I will. I will talk and talk until I know that people are aware. My mother never smoked. She didn't drink. She only loved. She was the most loving, caring person I have ever known. Watching her die the way she did makes my heart ache. Although, I know she is no longer suffering b/c she was saved by the blood of Jesus, but she should not have suffered. I am a forgiving person, but I will never forget those who were responsible for her care- and failed her. I will never forget the little details. I will never forget her begging me... for them to acknowledge her fear. All I could do was hold her, love her, rub her, hold her some more....

"Momma I am sorry I failed you. I am sorry I didn't bring you water when you begged me for something to drink (b/c they wanted to give you a CAT scan)... I am sorry when I did beg for ice chips that I did not make them give you a whole cup instead of a little medicine cup. I am sorry I did not make them give you more medicine to help you relax so you could breathe. I am so sorry....I am so sorry."

I know that I moved back to take care of momma. I just wish that I would have done more for her. She needed me. I am grateful to God that I was able to spend my last year here... but I am also saddened b/c I wish that I would have done more. At times I was selfish. "Sorry I was selfish sometimes momma. You were the most wonderful, beautiful person in the world to me. I love you. I need you. I miss you."

Proverbs 19:21
"Many are the plan's in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."

"God, I know you took her home for a reason. I know you have a purpose. I trust you. But I can't help but wish things would have ended differently. I am glad she does not suffer anymore... God... Oh God... I miss her. I can't wait to run into her arms- and Yours. I live for that day. Lord, I live for You."

Revelation 21:4
"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away."

"Momma- I can't wait until the day that Jesus holds us together in His arms. I miss you."